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At nineteen I worked at a nightclub and drugs were everywhere. I'd experimented in high school so I'd been around them, had also grown up with an alcoholic father, I could take em or leave em and I'd never had a problem putting anything down. Until oxycontin. It made me feel elated. Made me feel warm and happy, I had a renewed excitement about things when I was on it...like sunshine in my pocket or something. It's indescribable.
I wish to God I'd never tried it. I had no idea it was synthetic heroin or I never would have. The first time I heard someone call it that I knew I was already hooked and my stomach just sank. I was horrified. This meant to me that in one fell swoop I'd gone from being a social drinker to pretty much a heroin-addicted junkie. And junkie I was. I always had a stash and if it would get down to less than about ten I'd get uncomfortable, already focused on my next buy.
I had a "friend" who had chronic pain and a script and would sell her extras to support herself. Oxy is such an expensive habit. I hated her in a way because she would doctor shop and obsess and was every bit the junkie I was but would constantly point out that I was an addict and she was just in pain. She was in complete control of this little pill that ran my life and took advantage of that. She would call me one week asking if I needed any and then hit me up for extra money when I said yes...and then sometimes not respond at all when I'd call for some, letting me sit in angst. It would drive me insane. I think she was disgusted with herself and with me for the stranglehold we were in. |
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That was what finally drove me to want to quit. I got so tired of chasing the little blue pills and dealing with my flaky dealer. I was tired of worrying about what would happen if she decided she didn't want to sell to me anymore or if she got busted. I didn't want to search for a new source. I just wanted my life back. I wanted to be one of those people who smile and laugh and enjoy things without pills in their pockets. I used to be one of them. I desperately needed to be there again, healthy again...because I'd been slowly driving myself insane for years. |
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It's been a nightmare. Withdrawls are complete hell and I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy...nor the depth of depression and despair I feel at times, so sad that I'll always have to struggle with this temptation. I'm grieving the loss of the person I was before I got hooked. I feel like I'll never be the same. I feel like I'll never feel happiness the way I did inside before I knew this kind.
Sometimes I even feel almost suicidal, like I'm in a dark closet inside of myself...totally lost and I just want to disappear. I'm still struggling through my recovery. It's the most difficult thing I've ever done by miles and miles. |
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Try not to beat yourself up. Don't be afraid to lean on your friends and family for help. Tell them that you're going to call them when you feel like using and do so...even if you're just sobbing or yelling into your Mom's voicemail.
Make a list of all the reasons you want to quit and look at it when you feel weak and desperate. It'll help give you resolve. Get mad at the drug...getting angry is something that makes me feel empowered. Hang on. Remember that you're stronger than you think you are...and have faith in the beauty of who you are as a sober person. You're worth it. |
